Which came first, the chicken or the egg

Reading back over various entries and assessing my mood this week, it's dawning on me that I appear to be a generally unhappy person. This kind of sucks. All my life I sort of thought of myself as unflappable and laid back. Now I'm starting to see that my seemingly cool exterior might be a veneer covering up a tortured individual. Today there is actually no question that I'm unhappy. (I'm still recovering from this weekend when MNB ended up getting to second base with his neighbor's big-titted 23 year old wife while I was sleeping in the next room.) I wonder though if my general willingness to stay with someone who is such an asshole, like my ex-husband before him, is because I'm just sad. Or, do I stay in a state of perpetual sadness because of my willingness to stay with someone who is such an asshole? Perhaps the world will never know.

and she bunts...

I postponed my other rendezvous times 2 (what's the plural of rendezvous? rendezvouses?) & instead spent all weekend with MNB. It's so much easier to do what's familiar. There is, however, one of the two remaining potential suitors that I think might be a winner. He lives pretty far away, but not an unreasonable distance. I'm not ruling that one out yet. Oh, SF, the stalker I thought I'd deterred, is back on the scene. I started getting texts and calls from him again this week. One included most of the lyrics to, "I'm No Angel," by the Allman Brothers. That one filled up my stupid inbox. Then, Sunday, I got one around noon that asked if I was going to wish him a happy birthday. I didn't. So, I got a follow up about how "hardcore" it was that I wouldn't even send him birthday wishes. Hopefully he'll take the hint intended by the fact that I'm actively ignoring him. I'm starting to think he might actually be a little psycho. That would be typical. I've pretty much been a freak magnet my whole life. What's a girl to do?

Strike one

Okay. One down, two to go. The only thing is, after the first date this week, I'm not sure I want to go through with the others. I had really forgotten how weird it is to pretend to be interested in someone for a couple of hours when you knew after the first five minutes, it wasn't happenin'. The worst part of all was the awkward goodbye. After what seemed like a respectable time of making small talk, I was feeling the urge to sprint to my car, hop in, and put the ugliness behind me. But, instead I politely walked out with my date and when I did, it became apparent that he expected more than just a wave goodbye. So, after a few seconds of maneuvering, I effectively limited him to a one-armed, side-by-side hug. The guy was nice enough, but there was no way his face was getting anywhere near mine. I'm tellin' ya, it's rough out there.

Live fast, love hard, and don't let anyone else use your comb

An update on my efforts on the guy front. MNB continues to be his on again off again self and this weekend he excitedly told me that one of his local internet girlfriends recently broke up with her boyfriend and so now she's free to talk dirty to him, do webcam acrobatics, or whatever it is they do. I'm sure his master plan is to try to orchestrate a three way. My "what in the hell are you doing?" alarms were deafening. So, in response, I think I went a little overboard. I set up dates with 3 different guys for the 3 nights I'll be in town this week. Again, my "what in the hell are you doing?" alarms are sounding. Did I think I was the Fonz? Oh well, so many men, so little time.

looking for mr. goodbar

One of the things that's been on my to do list for a month or two is to add to my bullpen. Although I'm irrationally attached to MNB, his irrational unattachment often leaves me feeling less than blissful. So, in honor of his commitment to remaining uncommitted, I made the conscious decision to expand my options. Toward this end, I've been meeting some interesting guys. So far, my options are as follows: Bachelor number one - a self-employed internet entrepreneur with whom I have similar interests, but might be a little intense; Bachelor number two - a salesman who seems to like me, but might be a little too quick to become attached; Bachelor number three - a guy who I don't know as well, but hasn't tripped my creep radar yet. The other person I've met was my would be stalker. I'll call him SF.

SF lives in MNB's apartment complex and since MNB doesn't have a cell phone (did I mention his fear of commitment?), I gave SF my number so we could meet up with him one Saturday night. SF hung out with us as the proverbial third wheel that Saturday night. Totally innocent beginning, but from that night on, I started getting pretty constant calls and texts from him that became increasingly forward and creepy. When I'd stay with MNB, as soon as we'd turn out the lights, I'd get a good night (gnite) text, like he was watching the apartment. When I gave the excuse that I wasn't going to hang out with him because he is MNB's neighbor, he shot back that he didn't get the impression from MNB that there was a commitment. Can't argue with that. It became apparent that he was not one to take a hint, so my efforts to discourage him became more and more direct and now it appears I've finally shaken him off. However, before he agreed to leave me alone, he felt the need to advise me that I should "act boldly in matters of the heart." Although I'm generally uncertain about how boldly I should act, I'm not sure I want to take advice from a guy who overtly hits on his neighbor's sort-of-girlfriend.