Could you repeat that?

On the heels of a month of feeling distinctly loser-ish, I have to document an awesome moment. As I was walking out of Subway in my "house" clothes -- gym shorts & a tank top -- no make up, and without fixing my hair, a completely non-loser guy said as I walked by, "You are so beautiful." I swear, he didn't sound like he was being sarcastic. Granted, he could have been doing some social experiment or been acting on a dare, but I'm choosing to believe he was so swept away by my 40-year-old self that he couldn't help but proclaim his admiration.

Now, as I get ready to do the 40 minute drive to visit a male friend, who takes every opportunity to remind me that he has no interest in becoming more than a friend, I am feeling slightly less loser-ish. Thanks, dude.

Bouncing Back

I think I'm finally seeing the tail end of a two week self pity fest. Totally self-indulgent, I know. That's my prerogative, right? For some reason, my mind kept envisioning an endlessly miserable lonely future. I'm finally over myself (for now). Despite my moroseness, I've enjoyed hanging out with my kids. I have no idea how they turned out so well. Now I'm looking forward to my week of freedom. I miss not seeing them for an entire week, but this is the first time in my entire life that I have had days on end that I didn't have to base my schedule on the activities of 2 or 3 other people. It's completely surreal & I don't see myself ever taking it for granted. Here comes the sun..

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Friday night on the couch

It's Friday night & I've spent the better part of the evening sitting on my couch in my empty house. The more time I spend by myself, the less bummed out I am about it. I can't really figure out whether that means I'm becoming better adjusted or I'm becoming a hermit. I guess time will tell. I think it's probably a good thing that I'm spending some time by myself though because for a while there I felt like I was rapidly losing control. Everything was changing so fast & I was so unhappy & lonely that when I'd go out, it was almost like I was a college freshman who was just experiencing freedom & hadn't yet mastered the art of self regulation. I think the solitude is giving me a chance to rein myself in a little.

I keep thinking I need to find some creative endeavor to give me something to fill my hours. It would be a bonus if it involved being around other people so I hopefully won't turn into a crazy cat lady. I'll have to think about what that might be. Lord knows I have plenty of time to think.

The Ramones

I just got through drinking 3/4 of a bottle of Shiraz & watching "The Story of the Ramones." Somehow that combination of events inspired me to start a blog. Actually, it was probably more the fact that I watched the story of the frickin Ramones & didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I'm a little freaked out that the majority of these icons of my youth have all left this world. The dick -- Johnny, the sweet one -- Joey, and the adorable junkie -- Dee Dee. They weren't much older than me when they bought the farm. However, it seems like for their relatively few years, they lived enormously.

One of my fears has always been that I would live a life that "left something on the table" so I try to cram as many experiences as I can into the time that I have. But, I've never played music for thousands of people, been held hostage at gunpoint by Phil Spector, or inspired handfuls of marginally successful (yet brilliant) bands. The Ramones, as misunderstood as they were, rocked.