Rock on

I've always loved to listen to music in just about every circumstance. Most of my life has been accompanied by an actual soundtrack. If I sit down to dinner and there's no music playing, I feel like there's something missing. If I'm going to sleep, I like to hear music. If I'm in the shower, I sing. I cannot imagine preferring to exercise, cook, or -- most of all -- drive without music. However, much to my surprise, I have found lately that there are actually people like that. I just don't get it. Some might say that I like to have a steady stream of sound because I don't like to be alone with my thoughts. I disagree. Instead, I think songs help me understand what I'm feeling. There have been so many times that I hear a song I've known my whole life, but never really "got" because I hadn't lived it yet. I guess there may be something Mary Poppin-esque about always wanting to whistle while I work, but if the bottomless carpetbag fits...

A gift that keeps on giving

My very caring and oft-divorced boss told me yesterday that I should celebrate the finality of my divorce with a commemorative gift to myself. He said that after one of his divorces he bought himself a set of napkins and placemats. He even went to the trouble of wrapping and opening the gift. A little too much trouble if you ask me. Anyway, the point is that every time he uses his napkins and placemats he says he remembers that time in his life when he made a tough choice to stand up for himself. Although I can't imagine I'd ever want to buy myself napkins and placemats -- who needs 'em? -- I am sort of intrigued thinking about what kind of gift I would choose for myself in light of this occasion. I'm guessing a vibrator is not exactly what he had in mind...

The guy of my dreams

I gotta say, I have a total crush on Anthony Bourdain. He's such a rock star. He's tall, lanky, punk-rock, cocky, and smartass. I love watching him roam the globe drinking, smoking, eating everything, and generally thumbing his nose at family values. I'm afraid that I'll never meet a guy who lives up to those high standards.

and now for something completely different...

Although this is basically a journal blog & so far not much of a social one, in the spirit of "now for something completely different" I'm going to do a "meme" that I saw on someone else's blog. Granted, this would make more sense if other people were reading my blog, but I'm going to do it anyway to keep myself from being completely boring & blogging about MNB again.

The meme (a term which I think I finally figured out) is that you take your ipod, put it on shuffle, and type out the 1st 4 lines of the 1st 20 songs that come up, regardless of how embarassing the song. The idea is that whoever read your songs tries to identify them through the opening lyrics. So, obviously it would make more sense to do this if someone else were reading this blog, but I'm going to do it anyway. Here we go:

1. Suppose I called you up tonight
And told you that I love you
And suppose I said I wanna come back home
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson

2. Little angels
Whisper softly
While my heart melts
For you and I'll see

3. We were drinking like the Irish
But we were drinking scotch
Bartender turned on a movie
Everybody turned to watch

4. Here we go, I'm hanging out in Camden
Drink with my girlfriends on a Saturday night
This guy says, "come and meet my girlfriend"
She's sitting in the corner looking rather uptight

5. Baby's in her hour of darkness.
Everything she feels is hopeless.
Disconnected from the dancehall.
Tripping on her heart of purple.

6. I can’t help my feelings;
I’ll go out of my mind.
These players come to get me
’Cause they’d like my behind.

7. Love was the egg
See and it was born in a cloud with silver lining
But it broke, I mean it hatched on the ground
So time flew right by me and while I...

8. If it happens again i`m leaving
I`ll pack my things and go
If it happens again
There`ll be no looking back

9. Everyday, everyday I have the blues
Ooh everyday, everyday I have the blues
When you see me worryin' baby, yeah it's you I hate to lose
Whoa nobody loves me, nobody seems to care

10.There's a mickie in the tastin' of disaster
In time [in time] you get faster
Harry Hippie is a waste as if he hasta procrastanatin'
Something moving in the brain of a doer

11. I don't want to introduce you to my friends, 'cause I think they'll get the wrong idea.
You're so fetching in that dress - They'll think we have messed around
And though I'll tell them otherwise, I was gone all night with you.
What most people do will be running through their heads.

12. I got nothing to lose
I saw the sun in may
I've got something to hold on to
I fell in love today

13. Look at me I'm fallin'
Off of a cliff now
I can still hear my mama yelling No No No
But the words mean nothing

14. Once upon a time, I had a little money.
Government burglars took it long
before I could mail it to you, but
You are the only one.

15. When I look up to the sky
I see your eyes, a funny kind of yellow
Rush home to bed, I soak my head
I see your face underneath my pillow

16. I've got ways to make you sorry
start my life with someone else
I've got ways to make you fall
I'll tell you all the things that I lied about

17. Bless the father bless the son
Cross your heart 'cause you're the one
Collectin' moon-beams in the mornin'
Curvy sticks and wooden poles

18.Bless the father bless the son
Cross your heart 'cause you're the one
Collectin' moon-beams in the mornin'
Curvy sticks and wooden poles

19. Yeh, yeh yeh yeh yeh
Uhm hmm hm hm
It's a wonderful night
You’ve gotta take it from me

20. We're gonna break out the hats and hooters
When Josie comes home
We're gonna rev up the motor scooters
When Josie comes home to stay

Another train analogy

Okay, last consecutive post on this topic, but indulge me once more. MNB was offended this morning when I referred to his contstant reminders that he's still on the market as "putting me in my place." In his mind, he's doing me a kindness every time he brings up how uncommitted we are because he thinks it will keep me from being hurt when he meets the girl of his dreams. The thing he doesn't understand is that I'll be hurt regardless. After repeated lectures on the topic, I'm not going to forget he's not "beholden to me." The thing is, I'm prepared to deal with the pain when I have to, but I don't want to suffer through a million reminders that it's coming. To me, a good analogy is that we all know we're going to die, but we don't ruin every day thinking about it. He seems to feel that if he keeps reminding me of the inevitable train wreck, he'll save me from that eventual pain. In reality, his constant reminders keep me from even enjoying the ride.

a butterfly - not a barnacle

My frustration of yesterday reinforces a fact of which I've always been aware. I need to diversify a little bit in the guy department. I think if I have a deeper bench I'll care a little less about the mixed signals I get from MNB. Easier said than done. Last night, during my foray into hanging out with girls, we walked into a bar in my town and I swear Ned Beatty was probably being forced to squeal like a pig somewhere in a back room. These are the people I've got to choose from??? It feels a little hopeless. Regardless, I'm going to redouble efforts so I can stop relying on the ever fickle MNB for all of my man needs.

GRRRR!!!!!

Today, for the first time in years and years I was going to meet (girl) friends for drinks. While I was married, every time I tried to participate in a "girls' night out" my husband would either find excuses to call me every fifteen minutes, or he'd actually show up and ruin my night. Needless to say, no one really wanted me around. So, I have been making an effort to reblaze trails that are way overgrown. Tonight I had convinced an old friend to give me another shot since I'm now out of control freak husband prison & we actually did meet up and have a rather anticlimactic time. The thing that makes me say "grrrr" is that the evening leading up to my less than monumental girl date SUCKED!!!! First my car broke down and I spent the first two or three hours of my evening replacing & recharging my car battery. Then, I went to visit MNB before meeting my friend. That started out okay, but as I was getting ready to leave, he started saying things like, "So you're going out tonight? I think I might go out & try to set something up. Do you think [insert names of girls from his apartment complex] will be at the bar across the street?" then "Are you jealous? What would you do if I actually had a date with someone else? That's a plausable situation." When I read those things, they actually sound worse than what he may have intended. I can't figure out if he was actually taunting me because he wanted me to stay with him or if he really does think that our "relationship" is such that it's appropriate to tell me that he's thinking about going out & gettin' some. Every other week he goes from being a person that I really want to be with to being an utter dick who makes me want to slash his tires. All I can say is @#$!#$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!