Switching tracks?

I think MNB might be fatally frustrated with me. I've got to admit, I've been inexplicably moody the past few weeks. I think it has to do with me trying to come to terms with my new identity and mourn the loss of my old one. For 19 years I was one half of a married couple. Although I'm very glad to be away from my ex, sometimes things hit me wrong & I'm confusingly sad about not being married anymore. It's like I've been kicked out of club. I was at a comedy show last Friday and all of the jokes about the comedian's wife made me increasingly sad until I was actually crying -- not the intended effect, I'm sure.

Anyway, I think my confusing moods have led MNB to the conclusion that I'm either certifiably insane or just too much of a drag to endure. So, now I'm trying to run down the list of all the ways he's a jerk so that I can convince myself I'm better off without him. The fact that I'm 979 miles from home, sitting in a Manhattan hotel room overlooking Grand Central Station makes it a little easier. There's a song that says, "Nothing can cure your blues like a thousand miles." So, as I'm surrounded by trains, I'm trying to talk myself into to pulling that switch and heading down another set of tracks.

We can rebuild her...

I think I may have recently developed an addiction to self help books. Since my divorce, I've had a nagging feeling that I'm a good candidate for a psychological makeover. There's something so hopeful about titles like "Ten Days to Self Esteem," "Authentic Happiness," or "Awakening to Your Life's Purpose." Just imagine the super bionic psyche I'd have if all of these books actually worked their magic on me. Although I doubt I'll take the leap & put much of the advice into practice, on some level it just makes me feel better to think that some unknown author seems to have faith that the solution to all of my problems is out there and attainable.

Head East

It's China Week on the Travel Channel & I'm digging it. Since I don't have a passport or any money I travel vicariously through the Travel Channel. My butt has been glued to the couch all week. I feel a little guilty that I'm not out actually doing anything, but I can't think of anything I could do around here that is more interesting than seeing China.

I've recently made a sort of resolution, which I am famously horrible at keeping. Regardless, I'm trying to reach out a little more to try to build up my network of friends since I lost virtually all of my friends either through my marriage or through my divorce. It's sort of an experiment to see whether if I'm consciously a little more open, I'll be more successful in establishing relationships. However, I guess bunkering up all week watching the Travel Channel isn't doing too much to that end.

It was nice while it lasted

Well, I broke down & drank wine with my dinner tonight. Can't say I'm shocked. I think the thing I really need to stay away from is shots. That does it every time. Surely I can keep that resolution. How hard can that be?

I'm sitting alone at home tonight trying to convince myself that this is what I want to be doing. I'm beyond broke, feeling neglected by my not-boyfriend (who heretofore will be known as MNB), and am not really appreciating the solitude. Definitely had better evenings.

One for the ages

It's Monday morning after a somewhat lost weekend. I don't know what got into me. I think it was my midlife crisis resurfacing again, but Saturday night I partied like it was 1999 and spent most of Sunday regretting it. I think it's time for another "on the wagon" experiment. Okay, so you heard it here, folks, today will be day 2 of my newfound (and probably temporary) sobriety. I've been trying to lose about 10 -15 pounds all summer and staying off the hooch will probably help with that also. I'll keep you posted.

Is he "friends" with Dionne Warwick?

Is it me, or do guys sense when a girl is contemplating kicking them to the curb and then launch a counterattack? Seriously, for some reason, it seems like guys string you along just to the point where you've decided it's time to call it a day and then they turn up the charm long enough to keep you hooked. I'm afraid this might be common knowledge to everyone who's been "in the game" for a while, but because I've been married for 100 percent of my adult life - until now - I didn't ever pick up on the phenomenon. As usual, I'm wondering how okay it is for me to continue allowing myself to be played in this way. I still think I'm at the point where I'd rather have someone who thinks they're taking advantage of me than not have anyone at all. That sounds so pathetic, but I hope that the fact that I'm aware of the game makes it a little less insane.

There's a Fiona Apple song, "Shadowboxer" that seems germane to my dilemma. Part of the lyrics say:

...I just wanna say
Just in case I don't come through
I was on to every play
I just wanted you.

I think it might be even more pathetic to admit you know someone is taking advantage of your vulnerability and are still playing along. At least you're not ignorant...

Mr. Right Now

I'm a little conflicted about one of my "relationships." The conflict centers around whether or not its okay to keep doing what's convenient when it's pretty clear we've reached the point of spinning our wheels. I'm actually a little hung up on the guy - isn't that always the case? - but he's just keeping me around for company until someone better comes along, which is reinforced by his new myspace page that talks about, "I would like to meet a woman who is..." I'm trying to figure out whether I'm disrespecting myself by going along with it instead of telling him to hit the road. At times, it does make me feel fairly defective that this guy probably knows me better than anyone else & doesn't see anything there worth committing to. On the other hand, I'm getting something out of this too. I think I might be copping out, but in the end I think I'd rather spend some of my time with somebody than spend all of my time righteously alone.