Rock on

I've always loved to listen to music in just about every circumstance. Most of my life has been accompanied by an actual soundtrack. If I sit down to dinner and there's no music playing, I feel like there's something missing. If I'm going to sleep, I like to hear music. If I'm in the shower, I sing. I cannot imagine preferring to exercise, cook, or -- most of all -- drive without music. However, much to my surprise, I have found lately that there are actually people like that. I just don't get it. Some might say that I like to have a steady stream of sound because I don't like to be alone with my thoughts. I disagree. Instead, I think songs help me understand what I'm feeling. There have been so many times that I hear a song I've known my whole life, but never really "got" because I hadn't lived it yet. I guess there may be something Mary Poppin-esque about always wanting to whistle while I work, but if the bottomless carpetbag fits...

A gift that keeps on giving

My very caring and oft-divorced boss told me yesterday that I should celebrate the finality of my divorce with a commemorative gift to myself. He said that after one of his divorces he bought himself a set of napkins and placemats. He even went to the trouble of wrapping and opening the gift. A little too much trouble if you ask me. Anyway, the point is that every time he uses his napkins and placemats he says he remembers that time in his life when he made a tough choice to stand up for himself. Although I can't imagine I'd ever want to buy myself napkins and placemats -- who needs 'em? -- I am sort of intrigued thinking about what kind of gift I would choose for myself in light of this occasion. I'm guessing a vibrator is not exactly what he had in mind...

The guy of my dreams

I gotta say, I have a total crush on Anthony Bourdain. He's such a rock star. He's tall, lanky, punk-rock, cocky, and smartass. I love watching him roam the globe drinking, smoking, eating everything, and generally thumbing his nose at family values. I'm afraid that I'll never meet a guy who lives up to those high standards.

and now for something completely different...

Although this is basically a journal blog & so far not much of a social one, in the spirit of "now for something completely different" I'm going to do a "meme" that I saw on someone else's blog. Granted, this would make more sense if other people were reading my blog, but I'm going to do it anyway to keep myself from being completely boring & blogging about MNB again.

The meme (a term which I think I finally figured out) is that you take your ipod, put it on shuffle, and type out the 1st 4 lines of the 1st 20 songs that come up, regardless of how embarassing the song. The idea is that whoever read your songs tries to identify them through the opening lyrics. So, obviously it would make more sense to do this if someone else were reading this blog, but I'm going to do it anyway. Here we go:

1. Suppose I called you up tonight
And told you that I love you
And suppose I said I wanna come back home
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson

2. Little angels
Whisper softly
While my heart melts
For you and I'll see

3. We were drinking like the Irish
But we were drinking scotch
Bartender turned on a movie
Everybody turned to watch

4. Here we go, I'm hanging out in Camden
Drink with my girlfriends on a Saturday night
This guy says, "come and meet my girlfriend"
She's sitting in the corner looking rather uptight

5. Baby's in her hour of darkness.
Everything she feels is hopeless.
Disconnected from the dancehall.
Tripping on her heart of purple.

6. I can’t help my feelings;
I’ll go out of my mind.
These players come to get me
’Cause they’d like my behind.

7. Love was the egg
See and it was born in a cloud with silver lining
But it broke, I mean it hatched on the ground
So time flew right by me and while I...

8. If it happens again i`m leaving
I`ll pack my things and go
If it happens again
There`ll be no looking back

9. Everyday, everyday I have the blues
Ooh everyday, everyday I have the blues
When you see me worryin' baby, yeah it's you I hate to lose
Whoa nobody loves me, nobody seems to care

10.There's a mickie in the tastin' of disaster
In time [in time] you get faster
Harry Hippie is a waste as if he hasta procrastanatin'
Something moving in the brain of a doer

11. I don't want to introduce you to my friends, 'cause I think they'll get the wrong idea.
You're so fetching in that dress - They'll think we have messed around
And though I'll tell them otherwise, I was gone all night with you.
What most people do will be running through their heads.

12. I got nothing to lose
I saw the sun in may
I've got something to hold on to
I fell in love today

13. Look at me I'm fallin'
Off of a cliff now
I can still hear my mama yelling No No No
But the words mean nothing

14. Once upon a time, I had a little money.
Government burglars took it long
before I could mail it to you, but
You are the only one.

15. When I look up to the sky
I see your eyes, a funny kind of yellow
Rush home to bed, I soak my head
I see your face underneath my pillow

16. I've got ways to make you sorry
start my life with someone else
I've got ways to make you fall
I'll tell you all the things that I lied about

17. Bless the father bless the son
Cross your heart 'cause you're the one
Collectin' moon-beams in the mornin'
Curvy sticks and wooden poles

18.Bless the father bless the son
Cross your heart 'cause you're the one
Collectin' moon-beams in the mornin'
Curvy sticks and wooden poles

19. Yeh, yeh yeh yeh yeh
Uhm hmm hm hm
It's a wonderful night
You’ve gotta take it from me

20. We're gonna break out the hats and hooters
When Josie comes home
We're gonna rev up the motor scooters
When Josie comes home to stay

Another train analogy

Okay, last consecutive post on this topic, but indulge me once more. MNB was offended this morning when I referred to his contstant reminders that he's still on the market as "putting me in my place." In his mind, he's doing me a kindness every time he brings up how uncommitted we are because he thinks it will keep me from being hurt when he meets the girl of his dreams. The thing he doesn't understand is that I'll be hurt regardless. After repeated lectures on the topic, I'm not going to forget he's not "beholden to me." The thing is, I'm prepared to deal with the pain when I have to, but I don't want to suffer through a million reminders that it's coming. To me, a good analogy is that we all know we're going to die, but we don't ruin every day thinking about it. He seems to feel that if he keeps reminding me of the inevitable train wreck, he'll save me from that eventual pain. In reality, his constant reminders keep me from even enjoying the ride.

a butterfly - not a barnacle

My frustration of yesterday reinforces a fact of which I've always been aware. I need to diversify a little bit in the guy department. I think if I have a deeper bench I'll care a little less about the mixed signals I get from MNB. Easier said than done. Last night, during my foray into hanging out with girls, we walked into a bar in my town and I swear Ned Beatty was probably being forced to squeal like a pig somewhere in a back room. These are the people I've got to choose from??? It feels a little hopeless. Regardless, I'm going to redouble efforts so I can stop relying on the ever fickle MNB for all of my man needs.

GRRRR!!!!!

Today, for the first time in years and years I was going to meet (girl) friends for drinks. While I was married, every time I tried to participate in a "girls' night out" my husband would either find excuses to call me every fifteen minutes, or he'd actually show up and ruin my night. Needless to say, no one really wanted me around. So, I have been making an effort to reblaze trails that are way overgrown. Tonight I had convinced an old friend to give me another shot since I'm now out of control freak husband prison & we actually did meet up and have a rather anticlimactic time. The thing that makes me say "grrrr" is that the evening leading up to my less than monumental girl date SUCKED!!!! First my car broke down and I spent the first two or three hours of my evening replacing & recharging my car battery. Then, I went to visit MNB before meeting my friend. That started out okay, but as I was getting ready to leave, he started saying things like, "So you're going out tonight? I think I might go out & try to set something up. Do you think [insert names of girls from his apartment complex] will be at the bar across the street?" then "Are you jealous? What would you do if I actually had a date with someone else? That's a plausable situation." When I read those things, they actually sound worse than what he may have intended. I can't figure out if he was actually taunting me because he wanted me to stay with him or if he really does think that our "relationship" is such that it's appropriate to tell me that he's thinking about going out & gettin' some. Every other week he goes from being a person that I really want to be with to being an utter dick who makes me want to slash his tires. All I can say is @#$!#$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little help?

Yesterday, my girls and I happened to be in the hometown of Robert Wadlow, who before his death was the tallest man in the world (8'11"). I'm a big dork who as a kid was fascinated by books and HBO specials about "very special people," so I couldn't leave the town without visiting all of the RW hotspots. His grave was easy to find, but when it came to finding his life-sized memorial statue, I had a little more trouble. I was driving around, my girls were getting impatient, and I decided I'd have to do something that goes completely against my nature -- stop and ask someone how to get there. I hate admitting I need help and have found that, contrary to popular stereotypes, I'm much less likely than a man to stop and ask for directions. (I need to learn to tap into my inner damsel in distress.) In the end, I bought a map rather than asking for directions. Although I'd like to say it was in the spirit of learning to fish instead of asking for dinner, it's really because I couldn't bring myself to admit I didn't know where I was. MNB never hesitates to ask for directions, which always amazes me. The ironic thing is, when it comes to really important things, he prides himself on being totally self-reliant and has even said he thinks people who pray are pussies because they're begging for help instead of taking care of business. I know he's wrong about that, but other than calling him on his hypocrisy, I don't have a lot of room to critize him, because he's better at asking for help than I am.

Born to be wild

Well, it's Monday and my uncharacteristic cheerfulness has finally dissipated. Actually it didn't last too far into the weekend. I had an okay weekend. Spent all of it with MNB, which was probably a little too much. By last night, I felt like the guest who wouldn't leave, but I was too tired to drive home, so I figured he could just deal with it. He'll have 7 days of solitude to get over it. We spent Saturday and Sunday visiting little places along the Missouri River. One of the more odd things we saw was a little Thai food cart right in amongst the river rats camped at a little landing. It was a sort of bizzare reminder of how small the world is. In my book, eating Pad Thai Noodles off of a styrofoam plate sure beats cooking hot dogs on a stick. Anyway, our little excursions reinforced my burning desire to buy a little camper to pull behind my minivan. I just imagine myself as a self-sufficient free spirit, going where the wind takes me, exploring the country and leaving a wake of broken hearts in my tracks. It could happen.

She's happy...too happy

I can hardly believe it, but I'm somewhat delirious again today. I c-a-n-n-o-t figure it out! I'm driving home for lunch today grinning like a stoner. Although I'm definitely enjoying it, it's making me a little suspicious. Several times right before I've gotten the stomach flu, I can remember sitting there thinking, "I've never felt so good in my life." Then, a couple hours later, I'm dry heaving and wishing I'd done a little more detail work last time I cleaned the toilet. For now, I'm going to try to assume that my unusual happiness is because I have a great life and is not a harbinger of bad things to come. I guess time will tell.

Life of a Swinger

What a difference a day makes. Yesterday morning I was staring out of my hotel room window all forlorn and morose. Today, the entire 2 hour drive home from the airport, I was downright giddy. Sounds a little bipolar, doesn't it? To what do I owe this sudden improvement in mood? I have no freakin' idea. Maybe my airplane experienced a sudden change in cabin pressure, but the masks didn't work inducing an oxygen deprived euphoria. I'm starting to come down a little, but I kid you not, I was driving home, singing at the top of my lungs and smiling at cows. Although I wish I could bottle whatever wizardry turned me goofy today, I'm not sure how long I'll be able to deal with such crazy mood swings. Honestly, 98-99% of the people who know me probably think I'm the most emotionless ice queen to walk the earth. Vulcans like me don't really know how to deal with human emotions.

Switching tracks?

I think MNB might be fatally frustrated with me. I've got to admit, I've been inexplicably moody the past few weeks. I think it has to do with me trying to come to terms with my new identity and mourn the loss of my old one. For 19 years I was one half of a married couple. Although I'm very glad to be away from my ex, sometimes things hit me wrong & I'm confusingly sad about not being married anymore. It's like I've been kicked out of club. I was at a comedy show last Friday and all of the jokes about the comedian's wife made me increasingly sad until I was actually crying -- not the intended effect, I'm sure.

Anyway, I think my confusing moods have led MNB to the conclusion that I'm either certifiably insane or just too much of a drag to endure. So, now I'm trying to run down the list of all the ways he's a jerk so that I can convince myself I'm better off without him. The fact that I'm 979 miles from home, sitting in a Manhattan hotel room overlooking Grand Central Station makes it a little easier. There's a song that says, "Nothing can cure your blues like a thousand miles." So, as I'm surrounded by trains, I'm trying to talk myself into to pulling that switch and heading down another set of tracks.

We can rebuild her...

I think I may have recently developed an addiction to self help books. Since my divorce, I've had a nagging feeling that I'm a good candidate for a psychological makeover. There's something so hopeful about titles like "Ten Days to Self Esteem," "Authentic Happiness," or "Awakening to Your Life's Purpose." Just imagine the super bionic psyche I'd have if all of these books actually worked their magic on me. Although I doubt I'll take the leap & put much of the advice into practice, on some level it just makes me feel better to think that some unknown author seems to have faith that the solution to all of my problems is out there and attainable.